Sunday, January 13, 2013

Oral Fixation:Obsessive Compulsive Teeth Whitening

Something to smile about.
  Hello all,
Sorry I've been lax with the updating, but I've been preoccupied with pimping myself out vocationally. I did manage to land interviews with Aveda and MAC so I'm hoping for good news this week. I know you don't really give a shit about me or my life, so I will make with the beauty tips now.

 I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that anything I've ever done that was good for my health was first motivated by esthetics. Shallow and sad, but true. I had smoked on and off since I was about 16 and only quit to save my poor teeth. I'd been preoccupied with my teeth since a boy in 9th grade told me I was a "4" but I would have been a "solid 8" if I straightened them. I decided I didn't care, I had already watched too many movies starring Kirsten Dunst and Jennifer Jason Leigh to think only perfectly straight teeth were attractive, so I would proudly show them off. But to do that they had to be WHITE and stay that way.

 I know you all want to hear that you can smoke and drink coffee hourly and still have beautiful teeth, but you probably can't. I sure can't. For my teeth (and skin) to look their best I've quit smoking and only drink water. green tea, coconut water, and white whine. Okay, and a rainbow of alcoholic beverages.  But that doesn't count doesn't.

Them shits sparkle!
   I did do that Zoom Whitening thing twice It was fine, it helped a little. Know what blew that out of the water? Fucking Crest White Strips. Yupp. Not an original recommendation by far but they work!  You have to get the Intensive Professional Effects Level 5 one though, I've heard other people have bought the less intense ones and did not get great results. Buy two packs, use the first one every day as directed until it runs out. Here's a heads up that I could have used:around the 5th day your teeth will HURT. But keep going! Pain is beauty, right? Then use the second box for touch ups. Do one once every couple of months to keep teeth looking their best.

 I also use Aim Toothpaste, and I swear by it. On a shelf bombarded with fancy expensive toothpastes claiming new and exciting levels of whitening power it's easy to overlook basic, $1.99 Aim Whitening with Baking Soda...but don't. This stuff works, it really keeps your teeth white unlike anything else. I first got turned on to this toothpaste because my dad was cheap and bought it from the dollar store. I was shocked  (and maybe a little appalled after spending 12 bucks on some Crest bullshit) that this was the best toothpaste I had used. 

Whitening Booster gel by Arm&Hammer is also pretty awesome. You add it to your toothpaste and it boosts the whitening power. It's relatively cheap and it works.

 The last item I'm going to evangelize is Luster Now! (yes, exclamation point) Instant Whitening Toothpaste. It's this blue tinted substance that is basically like a toner for your teeth. It will instantly make your teeth look great  for hours. As far as I can tell it doesn't actually "whiten" it basically just gets rid of any sort of yellow tint.

 So that is my method thus far: Mix the Aim, the Whitening Booster, and the Luster Now! on my toothbrush morning and night. Use the White Strips once every few months. It's been working great so far!

Toothpaste bukkake.

 If you've been finding any of this blog helpful or enjoyable, shoot me an email or a tweet. Make my life worth living ;)

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